кое-что из заметок с майских бесед, себе на память11.05.18
P.: Yes of course it is okay to mention so many facts... how did it feel for you to share?
How do you feel today with your gender issues? Is that something you want to explore more?
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It felt uneasy. Usually I do not talk much about myself but when it happens I - again - feel guilty. Even knowing that that's the point of our conversation, I feel myself annoying and expect negative reaction better than positive. It's like something from so deep inside I never see it coming. One moment I tell things and know for sure it's ok, and when everything is told it hits me like a guillotine. This happens a lot, actually, and I usually feel quite surprised to get neutral/positive feedback from others, it seems unbelievable somehow.
Concerning my gender issues... I feel like a con artist. I am used to show people the side of me they want to see but this mask gets heavier and heavier every year. There's a lot of taboos in this field in my society, in my family. I feel bad that I can't tell my family about it. I know for sure they won't get it, won't accept it, I already feel judged enough to stop where we are now. There were times when I thought about some sort of coming out and few times tried to "probe the ground" not saying much about me but just starting the topic. It was a disaster. Me and my mom ended up fighting on different sides of this barricade and I wasn't brave enough to tell her I am one of those "disgusting perverts". My dad felt uncomfortable about this theme and tried to avoid picking sides or making his opinion about it, pretending there's no elephant in the room.
I feel responsible for my future kids. I don't want to fail them. But it's hard to be a great example when you live in a lie all your life. When you so faint-hearted to stand for who you are. This concerns me a lot. But seriously - when I start thinking how can I explain all this to anyone, I fail. I even don't have a solid opinion - who am I? how do I feel about it? how can I call it? should I worry? is it normal? It's a lot of open questions with no answer yet. I'd like to figure it all out, but every time I get so emotional - even now I am crying, again. And even if I know that those questions won't disappear I keep swiping them under the carpet. I am a total mess right now.
18.05.18
Hi
It was a VERY busy week, so I hadn't time to worry about myself through the day and was so tired every evening that I couldn't worry, but - end of the week, work is done and it's time to...
I was so naive thinking during this week that a was just stupid and I am fine (and I really believed that I feel that way since my last message). Today's experience proved me wrong. I was at the valdorf teachers' seminar ( I go there as a student), it was the last meeting and we had a "circle" - kind of reflection of our learning experience. Anyone can say something - if they feel the need, - whatever they want, like, about their feelings, insights, etc. Everybody were so radiant with joy, a lot of people said things (good ones) and I felt the pressure I must say something too, like everyone - how cool it was, how happy I am to be here, with all our students and teachers, something. Truth is - I am not happy and it has nothing to do with this particular people. So I sat there, silent, and felt myself a giant black hole, huge black depressive stain on this colourful bunch. My mentor came to me after and she sounded quite offended by my silence during the circle. I tried to explain but it was a fruitless attempt, I am not good in talking about my inner problems with other people (at least in person) and didn't want to start crying right there.
I felt myself so broken that I just fled. Now they have a small party to celebrate this year and I sit in a train on my way home and feel miserable. Today I feel empty. So empty it hurts. I feel myself so alone although my boyfriend and friends and colleagues are very supportive. I feel myself not functioning properly.
We also will have a private conversation with mentors' board next week and I doubt it will go well with me. I hate to embarrass them with my tears but quite sure it'll happen. I'm good and confident with kids, even with teens, but with adults I feel myself a stupid good-for-nothing and terrified baby. Sometimes I can act like I am confident, but it's so not true...and I am so in fear anybody finds out what a liar I am